I'm not a photo editor and yet this week I thought I would try...

“Katchoo” is one hell of a doozy, from tragic backstory to the inaneness of the plot. This episode was the fifth episode to air and the fifth episode produced. It first aired on October 24, 1969, and is one of the episodes that is not available on any streaming services due to a rights issue. During the filming of this episode, the original dog to play Tiger died when struck by a vehicle. He was replaced with a look alike dog that was apparently way worse at acting. The replacement dog is the reason Tiger wasn’t used often after this episode - but of the three episodes produced between the pilot and this one, we know Tiger isn’t in one of them at least. I may or may not have notes for several episodes right now and I may or may not have noticed that Tiger may actually be absent from two of those three episodes, but I don’t actually remember off the top of my head.

I already trust nothing about this set up.

The episode starts with the kids coming downstairs, being super smiley. I already don’t trust that. Mike comes down the stairs behind them. Alice and Carol are waiting by the front door, smiling. What in the horror movie…? Carol kisses everyone and Alice hands them their lunch - what an efficient Stepford family. Alice hands Mike a lunch, but noticing that isn’t right apologizes because she thought he was one of the kids. Why is there an extra lunch? Phoebe Brady?! No, it’s just that Jan hasn’t come down yet. Jan comes down all stuffy and sneezy, leading to Carol and Alice trying to diagnose her right there in the living room. Neither of these women have medical training. It is decided that Jan is staying home.

Poor, sick Jan...

Checkers was a way to pass time in pre-Internet times.

In the girls’ room, Carol and Jan play checkers. Jan wins and she wants to play again but Carol says Mike is coming home for lunch. Carol also notices that Jan seems to be feeling better, so she calls Mike to let him know that Jan doesn’t seem so sick anymore. Mike asks if he shouldn’t come home for lunch then, but Carol says his favorite dish will be waiting. Mike’s favorite dish is Carol, by the way. It’s both of them now.

Carol has a realization.

In the kitchen, Carol and Alice talk about how weird it was that Jan’s symptoms went away. However, as the two talk it out, it helps Carol realize it could be an allergy. Alice is convinced Jan is allergic to flour and I can already see where this is going. Carol isn’t so convinced and wants to check with the doctor. Alice says it’s his opinion, too, and I need to remind everyone that Alice does not have medical training. Also, I happen to know for a fact the girls formerly named Martin have a female doctor so way to be sexist Alice. It’s 1969. Women have been doctors for 120 years.

Such a good flo(u/we)r pun that I can't spell...

Carol and Alice bring a variety of flowers and flour to Jan up in her room and I am livid, just livid, that spelling ruins a perfectly good pun here. Fucking homophones… Anyway, none of it makes Jan sneeze. I’m also disappointed that Alice didn’t just throw flour into Jan’s face while trying to sneakily see if Jan is allergic to it. That feels so much more Brady than having her try to sniff it.

Downstairs, Alice and Carol keep trying to figure out what Jan is allergic to. Alice mentions an article about a woman being allergic to her husband. I don’t know how “based on a true story” Alice’s article is, but being allergic to another human is an actual possible phenomenon. Alice concludes that Jan is allergic to one of the Brady males. That is the moment that Mike comes home for lunch.

Is Jan allergic to her new dad?!

Mike goes up to see Jan in her room. As soon as he enters the room, Jan gets all stuffy and sneezy. It would seem to someone that Jan was allergic to Mike, but that someone also wouldn’t know that Tiger is hiding in the room behind Jan’s bed. Alice and Carol extract Mike from the room and tell him that Jan is allergic to him. After confirming that Jan feels better after Mike left the room, it seems certain. Because Tiger left the room at the same time. Also, can we just discuss how ridiculous it is that three grown adults jumped to the conclusion that Jan was allergic to another human before they considered the dog? Dogs are much more common allergens than humans.

At least it's not Mike making her sneeze.

However, while the downtrodden adults seem to be pondering how they can put Jan up for adoption, Tiger goes back into the girls’ room and Jan starts sneezing again. The adults see Tiger in the girls’ room and they rush to get him out. Jan feels better once Tiger is gone, and Mike and Carol conclude that Jan is allergic to him. After Carol jokes how glad she is that they don’t have to get rid of Mike, she realizes that they’ll have to do something about Tiger. Backup. Get rid of Mike? We all know Jan would be put up for adoption. That’s the easier, less messy solution. Sorry Jan, don’t be allergic to your next parents I guess. I digress. Jan doesn’t want to get rid of Tiger so she tries to force herself to not be allergic to him. However, she just can’t stop her sneezing when he’s around.

These are real dog people.

The adults are in the kitchen, sad about having to give up Tiger, and they’re all worried about telling the boys. Mike decides to tell the boys and leaves the room to tell them right then. What - at school? How long did this conversation take? What is time on this show? Alice also chooses this moment to say to Carol “we had Tiger before we had Bobby.” We? In “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore” we learned that Alice worked for the Bradys for about 7 and a quarter years, but Bobby is 8. What we? Anyway, Carol calls out Alice’s bad timing, and Alice semi-apologizes.

Did Mike really not think the boys would pick Tiger over Jan?

In the yard, Mike tells the boys that Jan has an allergy. Greg - pure, sweet, innocent, good big brother Greg - blindly says to get rid of whatever it is. Mike reveals Jan’s allergic to Tiger. Bobby asks where Jan is going to live. That is a fair question coming from someone who has never known a life without his dog, and at least he’s a lot more honest with himself about his priorities than the adults are. However, Mike says that they’re keeping Jan and Tiger will live with the grandparents. Peter and Bobby try to insist they can just keep Jan and Tiger apart, but Mike says it’s impossible.

The time has come to say goodbye....

Upstairs, in the boys’ room, they prepare to say goodbye to Tiger. In their room. That is only separated from the girls’ room by a bathroom. That’s like, what? 12 feet away, max? And their suggestion was to keep Jan and Tiger separated? The Brady boys may never win quite as many academic trophies as Marcia. The boys say goodbye but, much to their frustration, Tiger is more interested in his bone.

"Let's give Tiger a bath!"

In the girls’ room, Jan explains to Marcia and Cindy about her allergy. Cindy starts crying because she wants to keep Tiger. Cindy’s probably asked for a dog for years before Carol married Mike. Her tears have that energy. Marcia decides that Tiger just needs a good bath and Jan won’t sneeze anymore. Marcia and Cindy give Tiger a bath in the kids’ shared bathroom.

"Let's give Tiger a bath!"

Meanwhile, Greg has a brilliant idea. If they give Tiger a good bath, Jan won’t sneeze anymore. However, when the three boys try to wash Tiger in the kids’ shared bathroom, Tiger won’t get into the tub.

"Alice, make sure Tiger gets a really good bath."

Later that night, after the kids all go to bed, Carol sneaks downstairs. She wants to see if everything is ready for Tiger’s bath. Alice confirms it is, and then we see Alice washing Tiger in a metal tub in the laundry room. With Alice, Tiger walks right out of the tub while he’s still all soaped up. This poor dog is done.

The cleanest dog in LA County.

In the middle of the night, we see Mike wake up. He sneaks out of the bedroom to go downstairs and give Tiger a bath in a metal tub in the laundry room. Why is this episode happening. Also, I’m calling pre-emptive bullshit. I already know how this episode ends, I’m calling bullshit.

But why are they really doing Jan this dirty on the fifth episode?

The next day, everyone minus Jan comes downstairs to shower Tiger with love. I almost feel like the decision to get rid of Tiger instead of Jan was decided by a coin toss. Jan comes downstairs and everyone, including herself, tries to gaslight her into believing her allergy is gone. Jan would have been better off being put up for adoption, really. Also, Jan’s allergy is not gone. Mike decides this means Tiger is going to grandma’s. Everyone says their goodbyes except for Jan, who watches sadly in the distance.

This is great news!

Mike leaves with Tiger and the kids go into the kitchen to eat breakfast. The Brady kids, especially the Brady boys, are all cold toward Jan. God damn. No wonder she wishes to be an only child later. Alice suddenly remembers Tiger’s flea powder and asks one of the kids to rush it out to Mike before he drives off. Jan is the only volunteer. Really? No one wants to stop her from being near the dog they believe her to be allergic to? This is America’s perfect family? Anyway, once Jan has the powder in her hand she starts uncontrollably sneezing. Carol realizes it’s the flea powder and they should stop Mike from leaving. Suddenly there are five kids volunteering to run out the car. Wow, they really do love Jan less than the dog.

Jan and Tiger, BFFs.

In the episode tag, Tiger sleeps in Jan’s bed. The Brady parents watch on, allowing this one time exception.

What is this episode. There’s so many reasons it just doesn’t need to exist. One… it was never going to end with the family getting rid of Tiger, and knowing what we know in the future, that ending would have given the least amount of headaches. Tiger never even makes it to season three anyway. But also, the biggest heap of bullshit is the 9,000 minutes dedicated to Tiger’s baths. Flea powder comes off in baths. Even if Alice reapplied after her bath, we’ve all met Mike Brady - he didn’t. And if we’re supposed to believe flea powder doesn’t all come off in a bath - how was Tiger sleeping in Jan’s bed in the end? I get where Robert Reed was coming from on some of these episodes, and I love The Brady Bunch wholeheartedly.

Before the deep dive, this wasn’t one of my favorite episodes but I could at least be entertained by it. I honestly may never watch this episode again. I don’t feel that much of a need to. I can never unfeel these feelings.

However, for those of you who have not been turned off on watching this episode and want to experience it again for yourself but are disappointed that it’s not on streaming, let me remind you that it is available on The Brady-est Brady Bunch TV & Movie Collection or the Season 1 DVD.

What are your memories of this episode? Do you think it would have saved a lot of turmoil to just write the dog out of the series - or never even have this episode? Do you believe Jan would be better off adopted by a different family? Should I never try to edit another photo collage cover for these posts? Talk to me about it! I’ll see you next week with “A Clubhouse Is Not a Home.”