This blog wasn't turning out the way I wanted. I didn't want it to just be episode reviews, but with my other work commitments that's what it was turning into and I was burning out.

I'm working on revamping some things. First, I will return to reviewing episodes. But I'm not going to review them in order. I'll come up with a page to link the episodes so eventually you could read them in order, if you wanted to. But for the sake of my sanity, I'm going to create a magic spinny wheel that will decide what the next review is. This way I don't have to wait three years necessarily to watch episodes I really like. Also, it will give me a better chance of referencing The Real Brady Bros in first season episodes, since they also review out of order.

Also, I'm going to continue to work on the content I want to make for this blog, but when I post that, I won't post an episode review so that I can properly prioritize my time.

I need some time to get the content sorted out but I hope to be posting again by July 14th.

When I first conceived the idea for this blog in December, it did occur to me that my timing was just off. There’s only one Christmas episode of The Brady Bunch, after all, and now I’d be posting it 3 months late.

Nothing to be done about it now. “The Voice of Christmas” originally aired on December 19, 1969, which was Mike Lookinland’s 9th birthday. It was the 12th episode aired and the 16th episode produced. This would be the only Christmas adventure the Bradys would have for 19 years - well, one day shy of 19 years - when most of the cast reunited for A Very Brady Christmas. Let’s have a little Christmas in March, shall we?

In your face Christmasness!

Immediately, I noticed they added jingling bells to the opening score during the establishing shot of the Brady house. It already feels Christmassy. Then we see Alice and Mike in the family room and all of Home Alone’s Christmas-coding has nothing on the Brady Bunch family room. There’s red and green everywhere, everything is decorated, there’s Christmas cards on the wall, Alice is singing Deck the Halls - they went hard. The scene starts with Alice and Mike wrapping presents. Carol has been singing lately, so Mike bought her a tape recorder because he thought that she might get a kick of recording her voice on tape. It’s a sweet thought, it is… But I have questions. Like, why is the 14 year old allowed to use your tape recorder for school but your adult wife can’t use it to record herself singing? Make it make sense. Alice and Mike continue to discuss how Carol has been practicing singing and that she has the solo in the church choir. That’s when Carol enters the family room looking so heartbroken that you know tragedy has befallen her. Also, her dress has pockets! In 1969! How did we go backwards? Anyway, Mike is instantly at her side to figure out what’s wrong. Carol unfortunately has no voice.

Carol just wants to know her diagnosis.

In the next scene, Carol is under a towel in the family room using the humidifier. She peeks up to look at Mike, who is on the phone with the doctor. Mike notices Carol looking up at him and chastises her to get back under the towel as if she was one of the children. It’s really gross. Anyway, the doctor diagnosis Carol with laryngitis. If Carol wants her voice back, she has to rest and be quiet. Carol tries to protest because so much needs to be done before Christmas, but Mike says everyone will pitch in to help her. The important thing is that Carol rest her voice.

The Brady Boys don't realize that door next to them is also a door.

Meanwhile, in the living room, the Brady boys struggle to get the Christmas tree in the house. They’re trying to pull it in through the front door but somehow can’t manage to do it. Mike comes into the living room to investigate the noises they’re making, and he seems disappointed at how dumb his sons are. Lucky for Mike he adopted Marcia so that he can have at least one smart kid. Mike tries to help the boys find their error, but they’re apparently very committed to struggling. It was at this point when I went back to get screenshots that I realized the tree has changed directions - it was coming in top first in the first shot, but now they’re trying to get it in bottom first. Mike rolls his eyes as he opens the other door to the living room’s double doors. At least Peter is smart enough to acknowledge how dumb the boys were - and, you know, self-awareness is admirable. Carol enters the living room with her humidifier to watch the four men altogether set up the Christmas tree.

The Brady Bunch: Now with 80% more Christmas!

Later, Carol puts the tree topper on the Christmas tree as Alice and the Brady girls bring down all the Christmas tree decorations. The girls note that they have a lot as they have all the decorations both families had from before they became a bunch. Alice warns the girls to be careful with the ornaments because they’re fragile. Cindy asks what fragile means and The Brady Bunch decides to implement “show, don’t tell” by having Alice trip and break some ornaments. Oh, Alice. Good thing there’s a lot of them.

Dr. Alice is on the job.

Later in the kitchen, Mike watches as Alice makes a laryngitis cure that’s stinky. They share some banter that wasn’t really interesting enough to note but was still a little fun to watch. Alice says the cure is her grandmother’s secret recipe. Greg soon enters the kitchen to ask if the family is still about to go shopping. Mike says they will soon, and Alice says she’s making lunch first. Greg gets a whiff of Alice’s remedy and he says he doesn’t want lunch because he’s going on a diet. Mike thinks that’s hilarious.

Carol is down to weather this storm.

Some indeterminate amount of time later, Alice tries to put a rag soaked in her secret recipe remedy around Carol’s neck, but Carol says no because it’s so stinky. Alice ignores this no, which, is just wrong no matter the context. No means no for everything. It’s a complete sentence. Carol even uses her non-existent voice to say no, so there should be no misunderstanding that she doesn’t not want to wear a stink rag. Alice asks if Carol trusts her and Carol says no. Under most circumstances, I’d say that’s rude, but Alice is ignoring Carol’s no, so in this instance, it’s fair. Alice tries to demonstrate that it’s not so bad by wearing it herself. Carol reluctantly agrees.

"I put in the five seconds of concerned parenting, bye."

Mike takes Cindy to see Santa. I thought the other kids were going shopping, too? It’s just Mike and Cindy. There’s a line to see Santa, which Mike isn’t happy with since he wants to exchange the tape recorder he bought for Carol. Cindy insists she can wait by herself. Mike seems hesitant but Cindy reminds him she’s 6. I mean, I feel like that’s a reason not to leave her by herself but it’s 1969 and Mike put in the minimum effort to parent, so he peaces out.

Santa forgets which Christmas icon he is.

After awhile, Cindy gets to Santa. He asks Cindy what toy she wants and she doesn’t want a toy - she wants Carol’s voice back. Santa tells Cindy that she’s an unselfish girl and he’s sure Carol will be healed by Christmas. Um, is Santa mixing himself up with Jesus? I know both are Christmas related, but one performs miracles of commercialism and the other one performs actual miracles. It’s a slight but noticeable difference. Mike returns right as Cindy’s Santa visit ends, and she excitedly tells him what Santa said. Mike is super not impressed by Santa and The Brady Bunch sure frames this like this is the year Cindy stops believing in magic.

Mike remembered his package but not his kid.

Later, in a locker room, Mike gives Santa a piece of his mind. Okay, but where the fuck is Cindy? Where did you abandon your 6-year-old daughter now, Michael Brady? Santa apologizes but he only wanted to make Cindy happy. Mike is certain that Santa’s well-intentioned words will backfire.

Cindy wants Carol to be excited for Christmas, too.

Back at the Brady home, Cindy finds Carol and expresses how excited she is for Christmas. Cindy tells her mother that she thinks she’ll be happy with what Santa is going to bring for Carol, but it’s a secret so Cindy can’t tell. Carol looks put out at not being told what she’s getting for Christmas, so Cindy decides to tell Carol that she’ll get her voice back for Christmas. Carol has no other reaction in front of her daughter other than to show her appreciation for how sweet Cindy is. Carol’s smart to not act like anything is amiss. Let your 6-year-old have magic for every second she can.

Mike debates ruining Christmas for a six-year-old.

Mike takes Cindy out into the yard to have a talk. He’s trying to talk to her about not getting her hopes up about what Santa said, but Cindy is firm that Santa will deliver. Mike is really trying the most to tell her that Santa fucked up without telling her Santa fucked up. Either way, the talk is very unsuccessful as Cindy is still convinced Santa is bringing Carol her voice back.

The Brady Kids in Mission: Hide the Presents.

Meanwhile, the girls are in their room trying to figure out a place to hide the boys’ presents. They think the boys will be so surprised to get presents from their sisters. The only thing the girls decide on is to not hide them in the closet since that will be the first place the boys will look when they snoop. They don’t even know you got them presents, though. However, across the bathroom in the boys’ room, the boys are taking a more militaristic approach to hiding the presents. Greg says to not get caught and Bobby asks if he should eat the present if the girls catch him hiding it and hey someone is dimmer than Cindy this week! Congrats, Cindy! Greg and Peter are astonished at how dumb Bobby’s question is and they earlier forgot the entrance to the house they’ve lived in their whole lives was double doors.

Alice looking for a hiding spot in the master bedroom's second closet.

Alice sneaks into the master bedroom to try to find a place to hide a present. Alice looks in the closet and decides it’s not a good place. Then she looks in the other closet and sees it full of presents and WAIT THERE’S TWO CLOSETS IN THE MASTER BEDROOM?!?! What the fucking hell was that boring ass B plot in “A Clubhouse Is Not a Home” then? Alice then decides to hide the present under the bed, but as she does she meets some resistance. She looks under the bed and sees that the resistance is Bobby, doing the same thing.

Greg is tracking Santa Claus.

At night, in the boys’ room, Bobby and Peter are asleep. Greg is listening to the radio as it gives a Santa tracking update. Greg waits until it’s over to turn off the radio. I kinda want to say something about Greg being 14, but I’m 38 and I definitely tracked Santa on NORAD this past Christmas so… adult who wants to believe in magic sees teenager who wants to believe in magic. Greg gets out of bed and goes downstairs with a flashlight. Okay, it’s one thing to track Santa but if he’s going to wait up for him…

The Brady Kids want to cancel Christmas.

Greg investigates the presents under the tree and gives one of them a half-hearted shake. He seems very sad and gives up, sitting on the step that gives the living room that very 70s dip. Marcia comes down the stairs and asks Greg what his present sounded like. Greg says he doesn’t care because all he can think about is their mom not having a voice on Christmas. Peter and Jan soon join their older siblings to commiserate. Alice enters the living room to bust the kids sneaking to figure out their presents, but they tell her they don’t care. They start talking about canceling Christmas since Carol has no voice. Mike comes out and stands at the top of the stairs, overhearing Alice working her magic and convincing the kids that they do want a Christmas. After the kids go back up to their rooms, Mike shows Alice his appreciation for what she told the kids.

A Christmas Miracle!

On Christmas Day, Mike is awakened by Carol humming in her sleep. What the hell is she dreaming? Mike wakes Carol up and tells her to sing, which even with context seems like a madman thing to do. Carol has no context and this man just woke her up while she has laryngitis to tell her to sing - imagine how she must’ve felt for a second. Once she processes what Mike is asking of her, she reminds him she can’t even talk - only to realize that she can.

"O Come All Ye Faithful...."

Carol sings O Come All Ye Faithful in church in front of her happy family. Maybe Santa really was Jesus in disguise after all. Carol absolutely was not resting her voice at all in the end.

Mike Brady believes in miracles.

In the tag, Mike and Carol enter the girls’ room to tell Cindy to go to bed. Cindy is writing a thank you note to Santa. Cindy tells Mike she told him that Santa would give Carol her voice back in the most “I told you so” kind of way a 6-year-old can muster, and Mike supposes Christmas is the season for miracles.

Throughout the episode, the family does mention it is their first Christmas altogether, so it is interesting that instead of having a new Christmas episode later when they’ve almost completely stopped mentioning the family is a blended family, they just reuse this one. I do like the episode, though. It’s so Christmassy and feel good and just commercial enough. I don’t know about Santa doing double duty for Jesus but hey… It’s a 25 minute episode, choices had to be made to get all the Christmas included. Also, according to something I read on TV Tropes, this episode basically saved The Brady Bunch from early cancelation and pop culture obscurity. It truly was a Christmas miracle.

How do you feel about this episode? Do you think it’s weird they waited almost exactly 19 years to have another Brady Christmas? I will be back next week to review “Is There a Doctor In the House?”

Welcome back for another The Brady Bunch episode review! This week is “Vote for Brady,” which originally aired on December 12, 1969. It was the 11th episode to air and the 14th episode produced. This episode was directed by David Alexander, who only directed two episodes of The Brady Bunch, including this one. He has a variety of directing credits for a lot of shows, however, and his last directing credit was for an episode of Quincy, M.E. in 1978. This episode was the first one written by Elroy Schwartz, who wrote 9 episodes for the series after all. He is the brother of series creator Sherwood Schwartz, and he was a former Gilligan’s Island head writer. He also wrote several of the Gilligan’s Island reunion movies, including the unforgettable classic The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island. Elroy Schwartz also wrote for a variety of shows, with his last writing credit being  for an episode of Baywatch in 1994. A fun coincidence here is that in 1964, David Alexander directed an episode of The Munsters and in 1988, Elroy Schwartz wrote an episode of The Munsters Today. “Vote for Brady” is them meeting in the middle… even though they missed the middle by just a little.

Without further ado, let’s get into this week’s episode! 

Straight to the chaotic point.

The episode starts with Carol in the yard gardening, and Alice cleaning up random natural debris. Just after Alice compliments Carol’s gardening skills, Marcia’s voice calls out for her mom. Alice and Carol note that it’s after 3 pm, which answers the question I’ve been asking this whole time - when do the Brady kids get out of school - but raises so many more. Like when is their bedtime? How do they get so much stuff done after school? Anyway, Marcia is super excited because she was nominated to run for student body president. She tries to say who she’s running against, but Carol won’t let her get a word in edgewise. That’s when Greg arrives in the yard and announces that he is also running for student body president. Hey, at least this week the conflict isn’t going to sneak up on the Bradys. They know what they’re getting into from the very beginning.

Carol ambushing Mike immediately.

That evening, when Mike comes home from work, Carol catches him up on the political ambitions of their children. As they walk into the kitchen, Mike makes a noise that makes Alice make a stern face and turn on the light to look inside the oven. Carol tells Mike that Alice is making a cake and is worried that loud noises will make it fall. Poor Alice. The Brady Bunch only telegraphs tragedies. Carol and Mike continue talking about Marcia and Greg running for student body president against each other, and they conclude that their children will be reasonable about it. Okay, forget what I said before about the Bradys knowing what they were getting into from the beginning.

Phone Wars 2: Mike and Carol Probably Miss the Payphone

In the kitchen, the adults can hear Greg yelling at Marcia from the family room to get off the phone. Marcia yells back that she won’t. Mike and Carol enter the family room to intervene, and Marcia ends up slamming the receiver down on the phone. You know what, that just makes me miss a good phone slam. They’re so satisfying, and even though I have a good phone case and throw my phone at cushioned furniture, it doesn’t replace a good phone slam. But phone slamming is also rude, so Mike makes Marcia pick up the receiver and put it down again the right way. A lot of shows and movies cut out things people do in real life for accuracy, so I actually appreciate that even though it takes up ten seconds of precious screen time that accurate parenting was depicted. Greg is mad that Marcia was using the phone to make political calls, but when pressed for what Greg wanted the phone for, he admits that he wanted it for the same reasons. Mike and Carol then assign Greg and Marcia a half hour for their political calls in the evening to be fair. Since it happens to now be Marcia’s time to make political calls, she decides to use the upstairs extension and now I have more questions again. Like, since when?

Cindy's just got to fix her boxer stance but pretty good for an untrained six year old.

Upstairs, in the boys room, Peter and Bobby are arguing with Jan and Cindy over which of their siblings is going to win. Jan stomps her foot so hard it can be heard in the kitchen. Alice checks the cake. It’s still ok. Mike and Carol enter the boys room just as Cindy is threatening to bop Bobby. Parents always have such impeccable timing. They express their disappointment for how the kids are acting and tells them to be happy no matter who wins. The kids are not on board with this idea.

Images that proceed unfortunate events.

And now tragedy strikes for Alice. The cake survived the temper tantrums of six kids, but then she accidentally drops a cutting board and the cake falls. This is why everyone switched to cake mix.

What even is this spousal crafting project?

In the den, Carol and Mike work on a dollhouse. Who’s dollhouse? No idea. Will we see it again? Are you new? They discuss the situation with Greg and Marcia and decide to show their children that no matter what, their parents aren’t taking sides.

Carol giving Marcia a hand.

Carol goes to talk to Marcia in the girl’s room. Carol sets the climate that she is going to help both kids, which Marcia doesn’t like but does understand. Marcia explains that each candidate can spend $10 on their campaign but she doesn’t know what to do, and Carol gives her the idea to make posters. Marcia likes that idea, and they work on some ideas together.

"This will be great for brainwashing the other students!"

In the boys room, Mike loans Greg his tape recorder and shows him how it works. Greg is excited to make $10 worth of tapes that can be played on the loudspeaker at school. That’s going to be a lot of Greg talking. I did some research, remembering that I used to get C120s for very cheap in the 90s, and audio cassettes were newer in the 1960s so may have cost more but also would have been 1969 money. Anyway, for $10 it seems Greg could have bought one C90 tape. That’s an hour and a half of campaign promises. That’s a lot. The other students still have classes to get to!

Switching kids.

In the hallway between the girls’ and the boys’ room, Mike and Carol debrief and then decide to switch kids. You know, honestly, I’m just glad they didn’t have this switch in the bathroom. I feel like nobody uses the hall to get between the girls’ and boys’ rooms most of the time.

Greg's campaign team.

At school, Greg is excited to demonstrate for his friends the tapes he’ll have playing literally all day since we have scientifically proven he used a C90. Also, yes, any time I have a theory based on “this seems right based on what I Googled for 10 minutes,” it’s scientifically proven. You should know that if you’re going to keep reading these reviews. When Greg tries to play the tapes, though, nothing plays. One of his friends - I think Rusty but I didn’t write down the names in this part of the notes because I didn’t know them - suggests that someone erased his tapes. Greg immediately blames Marcia. This is Bobby stole Kitty Karry-All all over again. When, Greg? Wasn’t it in your room? Didn’t you get the tape recorder at night? You think your sister is a psycho who snuck in at 2 in the morning to erase your tapes and didn’t wake anyone up? This is why Marcia is the only Brady with academic awards.

Marcia is very thorough with her searching.

And then we just skip a whole day because transitions on The Brady Bunch are not the strongest. Marcia is in the family room, looking for her notebook paper that had her campaign notes on it. Jan and Cindy see her looking and offer to help. They go upstairs to help see if Marcia left them there. Greg enters the family room, angry, and blames Marcia for erasing his tapes. She says she didn’t even know about the tape recorder. However, Greg being so quick to jump to sabotage possibly leads Marcia to accuse him of being behind her missing notes, which makes more sense than his accusation. Greg insists he didn’t know, though.

A mystery is about to be solved.

Mike, Carol, and Alice enter the room to break up the argument. Greg and Marcia each make their accusations, and Greg’s insane bullshit isn’t addressed. However, Alice admits she accidentally threw away Marcia’s notes because she thought it was doodles on scrap paper and didn’t know it was important. Marcia accuses Alice of doing it on purpose and storms off. We’ve all said bullshit when we were angry, but now I’m questioning how Marcia is the smart one. How dumb is everyone else in her school?

Who wouldn't ugly cry after accusing someone they love of betrayal?

Marcia bawls her eyes out in her bed in her room. I paused right here to double check the production order of episodes. The Pop-Up Video for “The Honeymoon” said the best crier on the cast was Maureen McCormick, and in her book Here’s the Story: Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My Own Voice, she admits that the tears in “Brace Yourself” and subsequent episodes are real - and I’m saving the rest of that information for that review - but this episode came before even in production order. I wonder if Maureen knows she could always cry easily. Carol enters and tells Marcia that she might feel better if she apologizes to Alice. Marcia does some mental gymnastics to try to justify feeling so mad but ultimately she knows Carol is right.

Cindy has issues.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Alice has recruited Jan and Cindy to help make Marcia’s campaign posters. Cindy’s poster looks like alphabet soup and she defends it by saying they told her what letters to use but not in what order. I’m pretty sure they gave you the letters in order, Cindy. Pretty sure nobody told you “just use the letters Mriaca for Marcia” like they expected a six-year-old to solve a word jumble she didn’t even know she was playing. I really understand Susan Olsen’s point-of-view about Cindy, I do. Marcia enters the kitchen and sees everyone making the posters, and she understands Alice did that for her. Marcia starts to apologize but Alice stops her and says it’s not needed. It’s a really sweet moment that I love to death.

Greg is really cheesing.

In the den, Mike talks to Greg to try to make him realize it’s ridiculous to blame Marcia for erasing the tapes. When Greg demands to know who else could have done it, Mike says, “you.” No, don’t worry, it’s not like some psychological self-sabotage or anything. Mike says that he’s accidentally erased tapes or not actually pressed the record button himself on that tape recorder. Greg admits that his father could be right. Then it gets cheesy with Greg saying other kids always think their parents are wrong but Greg doesn’t think that way about Mike. I mean it’s sweet but it’s cheesy.

Alice has more experience in brainwashing the masses.

Alice, it turns out, is as impartial as the Brady parents. I think it would have been fair to help Marcia with the posters but not help Greg since Alice accidentally sabotaged Marcia, but being impartial is even better. In the family room, Alice has recruited Peter and Bobby to help make Greg new tape. They do a catchy chant to promote Greg, and the boys ask Alice where she learned to do that. She tells the boys she used to be a cheerleader and they ask her to do a cheer. Alice obliges, but near the end of the cheer you can audibly hear her back fucking break. Poor Alice. We didn’t need to do all that to say she’s not as young as she used to be.

Mike thinks Marcia is a good politician.

Up in the girls’ room, Marcia reads her speech to Carol. Mike enters the room and makes some quips about running for Congress that equates to Marcia being a better politician than them. Mike suggests that Marcia and Greg could practice reading their speeches to the family. Marcia agrees.

The Brady kids are kinda rude.

Later, in the living room, Marcia reads her speech to the family. The boys look bored as hell, and at the end of the speech they don’t clap when everyone else does. This upsets Marcia and she ends up crying before the end of her speech. Then poor, living up to stereotypes Cindy starts clapping and Alice has to signal for her to stop. Carol gives Marcia a hug and tells her that if she’s going to run for any office, she has to expect that the opposition may be rude. However, Carol ultimately decides that this isn’t the moment for that teaching moment and admits Marcia shouldn’t have to expect it in her own home. The girls also get called out for not being any better during Greg’s speech. Mike points out that the Bradys will be a family longer than either kid will be in office and then sends all of the kids upstairs.

"Mom, why did you stop having fun?"

Here’s another weird ass “just guess the day and time” transition because as Carol is making a salad in the kitchen, Marcia comes in to ask if there is still paint in the garage for the posters. It just seems like a weird time to make posters after having been sent to your room, you know? Carol says where it is, and mentions golf clubs in the location of the paint. Marcia asks why Carol doesn’t golf anymore and Carol says it’s because she’s too busy being a Real Housewife of Clinton Way. I appreciated the actual parenting earlier in the episode, but this “just shoot the shit” side conversation feels like wasted frames. They could have used those precious seconds to have actual transitions. Before Marcia leaves to get the paint, Carol starts to ask her to drop out of the race since it’s Greg’s last year in junior high and Marcia will have two more semesters than him in school - real weird way to say year but it is what it is. However, Carol changes her mind and lets Marcia leave to get the paint.

Marcia is doing some top notch spying.

Meanwhile, in the driveway, Greg is meeting with his friends about the campaign. They don’t realize Marcia is walking to the garage and she stops to eavesdrop, which is high key shady as shit. Would you want Greg listening in to all of your campaign plans, Marcia? Rusty suggests that Greg could win if they spread false rumors to slut shame Marcia. Super gross, Rusty. Greg agrees because his big brother powers activates and he threatens to murder Rusty. Poor Rusty. If only he’d realized bros before hoes doesn’t apply to sisters.

All is right in sibling land.

At school, Greg gives his speech to the school. It sounds good, as far as school campaign speeches go. He gets applause. When Marcia goes to give her speech, she uses her time to drop out of the race and urge the people who were supporting her to vote for Greg. Wait, was there a third choice the whole time? I mean, obviously if you drop out who are they going to vote for? Greg almost can’t believe that Marcia is dropping out for real, but she confirms she is because he deserves to be student body president.

These two are not being very Brady.

Later, at home, Alice finally successfully makes a cake, I guess? I’d honestly already forgot about that earlier tragedy. The cake was made to congratulate the winner, but both Greg and Marcia’s names are on the cake. Marcia is surprised, but Greg had told Alice to put her name on it. Marcia and Greg are getting along again. Like… a little too well. Maureen and Barry’s crushes are showing. It’s weird.

Here we go again.

In the tag, Carol is cleaning in the girls’ room. Cindy calls out for her, excited, and Carol yells out she’s in her room. Cindy rushes in to tell her the great news that she was made crossing guard for the week. She’s six. I had to wait until I was in fifth grade before my school let me endanger my life by being a crossing guard. Carol is very happy for her. Cindy says she’ll never guess who she beat out for the position. Bobby enters the room crying, and Carol figures it out very quickly. Wait, did the school have an election for crossing guard? Also, Bobby is eight. Like, I would let the eight year old be a crossing guard over the six year old all day every day.

Growing up, I was very much aware that generations of people who like boys had a crush on Greg Brady. I get it, but I never had a crush on him. I’m the oldest kid in my family, and I had two little brothers. Little brothers tried to get you in trouble because it was funny. I secretly wished I had a big brother, and I wanted that big brother to be Greg Brady. This episode exemplifies why - no matter how you feel about your younger sibling in a moment, you just have to be willing to commit a homicide for them if it becomes needed. Greg did not even hesitate. We never do see Rusty again.

“Vote for Brady” is a fun episode that simultaneously splits the family along biological lines while being the first time those lines aren’t super acknowledged. Carol at one point says that the election has been turned into boys vs girls, making it seem like it was more about gender than who they’ve been related to longer. The only reference to the family being blended in this episode is when Marcia accuses Alice of helping Greg since she’s known him longer. Even though I’m sad that only the first season acknowledges that the Bradys were a blended family overtly, it is cool that this was actually a gradual shift and not one that came out of nowhere.

That’s it for this week! I’ll see you next week for The Brady Bunch’s only Christmas episode, “The Voice of Christmas.”

My art is terrible and yet I am not discouraged.

Hello, and welcome back for another review of The Brady Bunch! I’m actually excited about today’s episode because it is one of my favorite episodes. “Every Boy Does It Once” originally aired on December 5, 1969. It is the 10th episode to air, and the 15th episode produced. In doing my research, I did not find a lot of background information on it, which is fine. I don’t need to be an expert in the behind the scenes of every episode. This is one of the episodes not available for streaming.

How do their necks not hurt after watching a whole movie like this?

The episode starts with Bobby, Cindy, and Tiger watching Cinderella on TV in the family room. Once the movie ends, Cindy says that she loves the movie, but Bobby doesn’t like it so much because he doesn’t like the evil stepmother. Cindy tells Bobby how lucky he is to have her mother as a stepmother because she’s so nice. Bobby says, “So far.” Cindy points out that she has a stepfather and she’s not worried, and Bobby says that only mothers are mean. Cindy continues to defend her mother and Bobby starts to come around. But this is The Brady Bunch and nobody has good timing, so Carol enters the room and asks Bobby to sweep out the fireplace. It’s also really weird that they have six kids and Carol’s first thought is the second youngest.

The first annual hand-me-downs-athon.

Later, in the living room, Bobby is trying on his brothers’ ripped hand-me-downs and Carol cheerfully tells Bobby how she’s going to fix them. Bobby wants new clothes but Mike says those cost money. Bobby wonders why his brothers don’t have to try on hand-me-downs and Carol tells him they’re at a friend’s house. Bobby is upset that they didn’t say goodbye, but Mike points out that he was watching TV with Cindy. Bobby says they could have said goodbye during a commercial, and Mike playfully swats Bobby’s butt with his foot. My mother would call this a “love tap,” but my mother has never done this with her foot. Odd choice to use a foot. Carol takes Bobby’s side and says his brothers should have said bye, but then has him try on the pants. Once Bobby leaves the room, Carol expresses worry about Bobby. Mike guesses something must have happened at school.

The girls are more into hand-me-downs than Bobby.

Marcia and Jan come downstairs with clothes that they hand to Carol. Jan wonders which of Marcia’s sweaters she’ll get. Marcia asks when she’ll start getting Carol’s sweaters and Carol says when Marcia fills out a bit. This embarrasses Marcia since Mike is in the room. Um, Marcia, that’s your dad. He’s kinda going to be there when these changes happen. You’re making it weirder than it needs to be. Mike says he didn’t hear anything, but then Jan asks why Mike answered. Mike then says that “kids these days are too darn smart.” The girls ask if they can go to the movies with Nancy and Carla Dittmeyer, who are the second and third Dittmeyer to be mentioned in this series. By the way, I looked it up and Dittmeyer is not a common last name. It’s most popular in Germany, where there’s 193 Dittmeyers. In the US, there’s only 83. I looked up my own uncommon last name to kind of test how accurate these numbers are and I have to say, they seem pretty accurate. Mike and Carol say the girls can go since it’s a Friday night. Bobby comes in and asks about the girls going to the movies. Marcia says, “Hi and bye small fry,” and Jan gives a very snarky, “See you later.” Bobby asks to go but Carol says he’s too young. If everything stopped right here, I would have been on Marcia and Jan’s side. Marcia was being playful, and while Jan didn’t need to be snarky, I have younger brothers and I get it. He probably did something to bug her pretty recently. But then Marcia says that they can’t take him looking the way he does and Jan agrees by saying, “who would look at the screen?” Then the two laugh cruelly as they leave. That’s bullying. Marcia and Jan are bullies. Carol only shakes her head, but if I had kids and they did that to one of their siblings, they would be learning a lesson about bullying in the moment.

Alice failing to read the room.

A little later, while wearing the hand-me-downs, Bobby mopes into the kitchen. Alice immediately makes a joke about the length of Bobby’s pants. Et tu, Alice? Bobby calls Alice out for making fun of him, but Alice says she would never and she was just kidding. Bobby says he doesn’t think it’s funny. Alice says, “even Bob Hope misses once in awhile,” which doesn’t sound like an apology to me. Alice asks Bobby what’s bothering him, and he says he has something in his craw. Alice tells Bobby to tell her because she’s known him since the day he was born, and Bobby says “that’s right, you’re my real housekeeper and you’re only a step-housekeeper to them,” and I think somebody needs to tell Bobby how housekeepers work. Alice is very confused. Bobby explains how stepmothers - and apparently step-housekeepers - love their own children more. Alice tells Bobby that’s inaccurate, but he cites Cinderella. Bobby then walks away and what Alice never does is stop him and point out that Cinderella is fictional, so that’s Alice’s bad. She dropped the ball here.

Mike making sure Bobby knows stepmothers got done dirty in fairy tales.

Some point later, Mike is fixing Cindy’s cradle in the den. Bobby walks in and asks Mike what he’s doing. Once he finds out, Bobby says Mike said he’d fix his bike. Mike points out it’s a bigger job so he says he’ll do it Saturday, and clarifies that’s tomorrow. Mike asks Bobby if he’s having trouble in school or if Chester Brown is picking on him again, but Bobby says no. Bobby asks if fairy tales are ever true. Mike says no, but when Bobby rewords the question, Mike says that a small part may be true but the rest is made up. Bobby then asks if that means that Cinderella’s evil stepmother could have really existed, but then the more fantastical elements were made up. Mike agrees with this inference, but he does make sure to tell Bobby that Carol loves him and the boys as much as she loves the girls. Bobby asks Mike if he’s sure and Mike says they both love all six of their children the same.

Carol realizing she might actually be an evil stepmother.

Meanwhile, Alice and Carol talk in the other room. Alice tells Carol about the Cinderella conversation. Carol says that Bobby knows she loves him. Alice then jokes, “Anyone would think you asked him to sweep out the fireplace lately,” and Carol is horrified because she did do that. Which, again, weird choice. Also, why did it have to be the fireplace?

"I urgently need to buy Bobby's love."

Carol goes into the den to talk to Mike. She wants him to be late to a meeting so they can go to the bicycle shop because it’s open late on Fridays. What in the fucking time is it? Everything in this episode has happened on Friday. I’ve asked this before, but what time do the Brady kids get out of school? Also what the hell meeting is Mike going to? Does he have a side hustle in the mafia? So many questions. Anyway, Mike says if whatever they’re doing is for Bobby’s happiness, he’ll blow off the meeting. So Mike is clearly the leader in this sketchy business he’s involved in.

Alice still trying to make up for her badly timed joke.

A bit later, Bobby is sadly meandering in the kitchen. Bobby starts to realize the house is quiet. Alice takes the opportunity to cheer Bobby up, but Bobby catches on that the house is quiet because everyone left and nobody said goodbye. Um, technically Marcia and Jan did say goodbye, even if they were bratty about it. And I’m pretty sure Cindy is still around somewhere. Bobby starts to walk away with Tiger, claiming the dog is the only one who cares about him. This time around, Alice does decide to address some misconceptions and tells him everyone loves him. Bobby does not believe this to be true, though. Bobby walks into the yard with Tiger. It doesn’t take Bobby very long to start plotting running away. Once he makes up his mind to do it, he goes back into the house, with Tiger on his tail.

Bobby already weighed the seriousness of this decision.

Bobby packs in his room when Peter enters. Bobby asks if Greg is home, too, and Peter says he’s watching TV. Peter asks what Bobby is doing, but Bobby says nothing. Peter notices Bobby’s suitcase and tries to figure out what’s happening. Peter promises not to tell so Bobby confesses he’s running away. Peter asks if Bobby asked their dad, which is incredibly funny to me. I just imagine if Peter was running away, he would ask Mike for permission. Bobby says if you have to ask, it’s not running away and Peter realizes Bobby has a point. Peter says they should tell Greg, but Bobby points out Peter said he wouldn’t tell anybody. Peter says he won’t tell.

"My brother Bobby tells me secrets. You wouldn't know what it's like."

So Peter almost immediately tells Greg. Peter beats around the bush, saying that he only knows the secret because he’s Bobby’s brother, but Greg points out he’s also Bobby’s brother so Peter tells him. Greg is a responsible human and says they need to stop Bobby. Peter doesn’t know how they can do that if they can’t tell anyone, though.

Greg is being kinda sus.

Greg goes into the kitchen, where Alice is making a shopping list. Alice makes a quip about all the food the kids eat and ponders getting an extra quart of milk. Greg says there’ll be plenty of milk after tomorrow and oh my gosh I’d personally be worried about Greg at this point. Alice does realize something is wrong and asks about it, but Greg says it’s a secret and he can’t tell. Alice tells Greg to beat around the bush. Greg goes right through the bush with a machete and says a kid “who shall remain nameless” is running away and then names the five kids it isn’t. Alice immediately decides to phone around to find the Brady parents. Greg reminds Alice it’s a secret but she says it’s ok because everyone knows she can’t keep one. That’s what Greg was counting on.

The Bradys buy a bike from Mel Horowitz the 2nd.

At the bike shop, there’s a salesman really pushing the upsell on the Bradys. The salesman is played by Michael Lerner, who I always think of as Mel Horowitz from the first season of the TV version of Clueless. I know him from other things, like Blank Check and Elf, but I always think Clueless first. He has quite an impressive filmography, so it’s likely everyone knows him from something. The upsells, however, make Mike and Carol realize that they’re trying to buy Bobby’s love and they don’t want to do that. Mike tells the salesman to hold the bike and they’ll be back for it in a month. The salesman is understandably upset by this development.

"How upset would you be to only have 5 kids?"

Alice continues calling around looking for the Brady parents. They happen to come home at this point, and Alice immediately tells them one of the kids are planning to run away. Carol knows instantly that it’s Bobby. Carol tells Mike to go talk to Bobby, and that she has an idea.

Mike tells Bobby his happiness is important.

Bobby finishes packing and tells Tiger he’ll send for him once he’s settled. Mike enters at this point to talk to Bobby. Bobby confesses that he’s running away. Mike asks Bobby if he likes living with them, and Bobby says not lately. Mike tells Bobby he has every right to find a place where he’s happier but he’s confused since everyone loves Bobby and thought he loved them, too. Bobby says he does love them but he needs to be going. Mike makes sure Bobby has money and a plan for a job and then helps him downstairs. Even though I know the idea is Bobby isn’t really going to run away, I do like that Mike is trying to tell Bobby his happiness is very important Mike.

Top TV moments that make your heart feel the warm fuzzies.

At the bottom of the stairs is Carol, holding her own suitcase. She offers to take the big suitcase and has Bobby take hers. Bobby asks where she’s going and she says with him. Bobby asks if she’s really going with him and she says really. Bobby starts opening up about how he’s been feeling and Carol tells him how much she loves him and “the only steps in this house lead right back to your bedroom.” Bobby excitedly tells Mike that he and Mom are home again, and Mike is very happy to hear it because that’s where the two of them belong.

Cindy is not pleased that her parents are laughing at her trauma.

In the tag, Mike and Carol are happy with how everything has resolved. Then Cindy bursts in the room, upset because she kissed her frog Henry twice and he hasn’t turned into a prince. Do you want warts, Cindy? That’s how you get warts. Or salmonella. Maybe both? I don’t know anything about amphibians.

I love this episode of The Brady Bunch so much. Is it a wacky Brady adventure? No. But as you know, I also love episodes that point out that blending a family isn’t necessarily a smooth transition, and this one is definitely one of those. My only gripe is getting Cinderella involved, since this wasn’t really about Bobby believing he had an evil stepmother, but I can still forgive it. Bobby’s very young, and he might not be able to know how to put a voice to how he’s feeling. Cinderella has an evil stepmother, therefore I must have an evil stepmother is a lot easier to say, maybe, but that’s not what Bobby’s problem actually was. He also felt neglected by his brothers and his dad, and they’re his biological family. In all of the shuffle, Bobby was feeling lost. I love how that was handled and I love the resolution. This episode gives me the warm fuzzies. It’s definitely on my top ten list.

How do you feel about this episode? How badly would you have punished Marcia and Jan for what they did to Bobby? Let me know! I’ll be back next week to review “Vote for Brady."